Grieving-It’s not step by step

My brother Pat died yesterday morning. He was only 41 yrs old. Before I go further I should explain what lead up to this.

First I have to explain a little bit of my past. Our father died when I was about 8 or 9 yrs old. I didn’t have a chance to get to form a lot of memories of him but it hurt just the same. My parents divorced when I was very little. My brother knew our Dad better. My Dad died from a heart attack.

Then on July 26, 1999, two months after my daughter was born, my Mom died in the hospital the day the doctors said she’d be coming home. She battled breast cancer for 5 years and she was in the hospital for a blood clot in her lung. A year or so after, my grandmother died. So since 1999 it’s been just me and Pat. Until yesterday.

Pat had 7 heart attacks, a triple bypass surgery after several surgeries for 7 stents in his heart. I don’t know for sure how he died since I live 6 hours away. We were told we won’t know how he died until they get the toxicology results in and that takes 3-4 weeks. The part that hurts is Pat was an alcoholic just like our Dad. He left behind 4 kids that barely knew him, if at all. And a small part of me believes it was better that way because of the alcohol. It only highlighted the worst in him. He’s had so many DUI’s I lost count. He couldn’t keep a relationship longer than 3 years so naturally he didn’t marry and wasn’t with anyone. We weren’t on speaking terms because he allowed his life to spin so out of control he had to move in with us a few years ago. After 3 years, we were at our wits ends simply because he wasn’t doing ANYTHING to get his life together. And it was putting a heavy strain on our marriage despite my husband and him being just like brothers but better because they NEVER fought. Then in March of last year he was arrested for skipping bail from a DUI charge and then another warrant for not paying child support because he wasn’t working. Soon after that we had to move due to my husband’s job. So couple months after his arrest he was released but had no where at all to go except a shelter. It was the hardest thing I had to do to tell him we couldn’t help him anymore. How do you help someone if they refuse to help themselves?? So I gave him a choice. Granted it wasn’t a choice in his mind. I said I would help however I could, including moving him in with us again, but ONLY if he got help for the drinking. He refused. I had to do what was best for our two kids. And I don’t want them to see him that way. After knowing how his health was I had to ask myself if we stopped speaking because he won’t get help, will I be able to live with that if something should happen to him. It was so hard to say no.

Speaking from way too much experience, grieving is not a step by step guide to follow. Every second of everyday that I am not crying, I feel guilty. I feel I should be crying my eyes out just as I have, except all the time. I feel like smiling or laughing shows I don’t care. I know these things aren’t the truth but it’s just a part of grieving.

The worst part is knowing I’ve officially buried my whole family (outside of my husband and kids). Knowing that my family won’t be at my funeral. So the amount of loneliness I feel is overwhelming and exhausting. I just keep reminding myself that I’m grateful for having my husband and kids at my side. And I’m grateful for the time we had with Pat, but it was devastating that he refused to get help.

I guess I’m still in the “shock” phase according to the guideline of the grieving process. It’s hard to explain the amount of pain and anguish. I wrote this in hopes of helping someone out there who can relate. It would help so much to know it helped someone, somehow.

Stigma of Pain Management

If you have any chronic pain I’m sure you will understand what I’m going through. I’ve had Fibromyalgia, chronic abdominal pain and chronic back pain. I’ve been on pain maangement almost 3 years. I take hydrocodone (Loratab) and morphine. However, I’m working with my doctor and she’s been slowly reducing the morphine. Then when that’s gone she’ll reduce the hydrocodone. I cannot wait!!! I’m prepared to face the fact that pain is something I’m going to forever live with. But I can control HOW I live with it. There are many reasons why I want to stop going to pain management. Most obvious is I want off the medication. But the reasons why I want off them is the stigma of being on them.

I’ve spent 3 years getting rude comments and looks from doctors and nurses.The nurse I see now is surprisingly different. She told me I was doing so great with reducing the medications and that normally there are some setbacks. But she said with you it’s different. You’re not psychologically addicted because if you were there would be some issues by now. Although that made me feel better, I still get looks as though I’m some kind of heroin user. My doctor, Dr. Igwe, gave me muscle relaxers to help with side effects of reducing the medication. But she has this nurse who specializes in “healing touch”. Well I was forced to see this nurse and have her do that. It was the most uncomfortable experience. And there was something about this nurse that I just didn’t quite like. I was certain she didn’t like me much either. And after speaking to her on the phone the other day I was right.

I had my husband Chris, call Dr. Igwe and that nurse ended up calling me back instead of him. I’ll explain why I had him call instead of myself in a minute. So when this nurse called me I told her that I wanted a refill on my muscle relaxers because it would’ve been filled next Monday anyway when I see Dr. Igwe. She began telling me that I needed to exercise more (which Chris and I do) and that the back pain I had, which is why I called them, would improve if I didn’t focus on the pain. Basically she was telling me it was mind over matter. Then she argued with me for 15 minutes trying to prevent me from talking to the doctor and getting my muscle relaxers. Despite being on narcotics, it doesn’t help my back pain. And there’s never been an X-ray of my back. And earlier Dr. Igwe said she wanted one done. But she never set it up. So finally she got mad and hung up. Then she calls me back and said, “she filled your medication and it’s ready and I also gave Dr. Igwe a heads up about your frustrations and our conversation.” I just hung up.

That’s just a small piece of the stigma that comes from being on pain management. And I am frustrated because she doesn’t know what pain I go through on a daily basis. She doesn’t know what it’s like to be healthy one day and working 70=80 hours a week to being disabled and unable to work ever again.

I am writing this in hopes it will help someone. Patients on pain management are treated like drug addicts despite how hard you try to deal with the pain. I’ve come to the conclusion, due to the prejudice, that I just want the doctor to help me taper off the medications and then I’m finally done with pain management. I’d rather deal with the pain then deal with the judgements and ridicule. I’m far from being a drug addict and I’ve never touched drugs in my life and never would. As long as my husband and children believe in me and support me, there’s nothing I can’t get through.

I’m hoping this will help anyone who’s going through the same thing. If you are I would love to hear your stories or your experiences.

Fighting Fibromyalgia

I would like to share my experience with Fibromyalgia. I hope this may help anyone who suffers from it or who knows someone who suffers from it. Fibromyalgia is A chronic disorder characterized by widespread musculoskeletal pain, fatigue, and tenderness in localized areas. Fibromyalgia is the most common musculoskeletal condition after osteoarthritis.

More than 12 million Americans have fibromyalgia. Most of them are women ranging in age from 25 to 60. Women are 10 times more likely to get this disease than men. It is a disease that is just now being recognized more by doctors and Social Security added it to their list of disabilities as well. Having this disease also brings about other conditions that seem to go hand in hand. Some suffer from depression, anxiety and chronic fatigue to list a few.

Fibromyalgia is described by most as an all over ache. It’s what some call as a deep pain that can be disabling. There are tender points and they are all over the body. They are very painful to the touch.

Some patients with fibromyalgia have pain and archness around the joints in the neck, shoulder, back, and hips. This makes it difficult for them to sleep or exercise. Other fibromyalgia symptoms include:

• abdominal pain
• anxiety and depression
• chronic headaches
• difficulty maintaining sleep or light sleep
• dryness in mouth, nose, and eyes
• fatigue upon arising
• hypersensitivity to cold and/or heat
• inability to concentrate (called “fibro fog”)
• incontinence
• irritable bowel syndrome
• numbness or tingling in the fingers and feet
• stiffness

I was diagnosed approximately 9 years ago. I don’t believe it’s genetic. However, my mom also had it. Mine is extreme because there are 18 tender points all over the body. I have all 18. Many things can trigger some of the pain such as cold, damp weather, stress, exercise and disturbing sleep. When I was diagnosed they didn’t have any form of treatment besides physical therapy. About five years ago they discovered Lyrica, a medication for diabetics, that is believed to calm the nerves. This has made a drastic difference in my experience. Although it has disabled me, it has done good things for me too. For example, it has made me see all the good things around me and to be grateful for those. My family is really supportive and I can’t imagine getting through this on a daily basis without them.

Over the years this disease has forever changed my life. How depends on how you look at it. For many years I was looking at it the wrong way. Then the Lord showed me what he intended for me to see. Before I only saw my health and my life slipping through my hands and instead of doing something about it I just tried to stop it as if there were a switch to do so. After many years, tears, and deep pain in both ways I finally realized why God lead me down this path. I always carried so much guilt for feeling I was disappointing my family. I felt guilty for needing more help around the house, errands, etc. I felt guilty for the things we planned that I had to withdraw from due to pain. Fibromyalgia isn’t my only health issues. It’s just the beginning of it all.

Up until a year ago, I lugged that guilt around with me constantly. I had the epiphany that God wanted me to slow down. Before I was disabled I was working 70-80 hours a week. I never had time with my family. I realized He wanted me to appreciate what I do have around me. Not what I have wrong within me. It was a tough pill to swallow, figuratively speaking, to admit I’d been doing this all wrong for years. I apologized to my family and expressed how much I intended on changing. I have changed a lot and I’m quite proud of myself. It wasn’t easy to admit all the failure I had. But I don’t take anyone or anything for granted. If I want time with my family, I make time for them.

Some say you should never look back at the past. That you can’t move forward if you look back. They couldn’t be more wrong. Because I look back and see what I was missing out on and recreate any opportunities I can take advantage of. I look back and then look forward to a brighter future. I see what God has intended for me and I accept it graciously. For you must always trust His will. If you or someone you know suffers from Fibromyalgia, help them see what they’re likely missing out on. If you focus on pain you will never be pain-free. If you focus on happiness you will be pain free. Because in the end we all create our own happiness. It’s not pursued it’s persevered.